A Place to Start
by KitKatt0430
Summary: "I'm doing that thing again," Kara told the duck. It ignored her for the corn. "Always happens. I was trying so hard not to do it this time, but there it goes. Happening all over again." (Kara knows dating James is making her miserable. But she doesn't why every time she starts dating someone, her romantic feelings fizzle out.) - Aromantic Kara


Summary: "I'm doing that thing again," Kara told the duck. It ignored her for the corn. "Always happens. I was trying so hard not to do it this time, but there it goes. Happening all over again."

(In which Kara doesn't need Alex to tell her that dating James is making her miserable. But she does wish someone would tell her why every time she starts dating someone, her romantic feelings fizzle out shortly afterwards.)

Notes: I knew the writers weren't going to go this way, but in season 2 when Kara's relationship with James ended so fast... Kara felt aromantic to me. And her relationship with Mon El felt so forced and unnatural that it was almost like she was trying to compensate for the feelings she didn't have but thought she should. So the aro!Kara headcanon is a special one for me and one I'm glad to finally write about.

_**A Place to Start**_

It's happening again.

Kara sighed and dropped onto the park bench, flicking corn kernels out for the ducks on the pond in front of her. Much tastier for them than bread and healthier too. One of the ducks waddled up to her for more corn, as if sensing that Kara was not only safe but also a push over for cute animals.

The duck got more corn and soft pettings of its silky, feathered head.

"I'm doing that thing again," Kara told the duck. It ignored her for the corn. "Always happens. I was trying so hard not to do it this time, but there it goes. Happening all over again."

The duck made a happy little quack noise.

"See, I'm dating this guy. I liked him a lot and was kind of like a puppy with a crush on him. So excited to start dating and do all the dating stuff like kissing and romantic dinners and fluff and sex. Except, now that we're dating..." Kara sighed. "I'm not happy dating him. I miss the relationship we used to have. I liked us better as friends.

"I always do this and I'm worried..." still ignoring Kara, the duck waddled off and Kara trailed off at loosing her audience.

"Kara, what brings you here?"

Glancing up, Kara grinned at the sight of Lena Luthor. She probably shouldn't be this happy to see someone she'd only met barely even a handful of times, but there was something about Lena that just made Kara light up with excitement. If Alex knew how badly Kara wanted to be friends with a Luthor, she'd freak.

"Lena!" Kara scooted over to offer Lena space on the bench and was pleased when the CEO accepted her unspoken invitation. "Honestly? Unburdening my latest woes onto the ducks. But they're not the most sympathetic audience. I think they secretly just love me for my corn kernels."

Lena chuckled, a lovely sound that Kara wished she could hear more of. "Well why don't you try me? You'll at least know I'm paying more attention to you than the snacks."

"Uh, sure, though... stop me if I get to be too much info on something or other," Kara agreed, wondering if maybe Lena wanted to be friends with her as much as Kara did. "So, um... last year James Olson moved here and started working at CatCo and... I had the biggest crush on him." Which had hurt her friendship with Winn because she was so oblivious. She was really glad Winn had moved on from her; if anything, she felt like their friendship was even stronger now than it was before.

No more secrets between two people could do that, she supposed.

"It turned out he liked me too and recently we started dating. And... my feelings do what they always do when I start dating someone. Disappearing act. I still like him, but... I liked being his friend more than I like being his girlfriend. I mean... he's sweet and respectful and exactly the kind of person I want to date. So why aren't I enjoying it?" Kara sighed softly. "I feel like there must be something wrong with me."

"Okay, so first... there is nothing wrong with you, Kara." Lena smiled warmly and took Kara's hand, giving it a squeeze. "Absolutely nothing."

Alex would tell her this too, but it was different hearing the words from Lena. For one thing, Alex was Kara's sister and thus biased in Kara's favor.

"Thank you," Kara told her, bumping shoulders with her.

"You're welcome. Do you mind if I ask a few questions, though? They might be a little personal though, so..." Lena looked uncertain.

"Ask away. I can always opt not to answer if I find them too personal," Kara told her.

"True. Alright, so first question. Do you know if you feel the same way about dating women as you do dating men?"

Kara nodded. "I'm pan, so that's a yes. Both to the being super attracted to someone and to having that attraction fizzle out once dating starts."

"Alright, well... have you heard of aromanticism?" When Kara shook her head, Lena said, "how about asexuality?"

Kara shook her head again. "I mean vaguely, but... not really."

"Alright, well the two identities are pretty similar and there's a lot of overlap between them. Asexual is basically used to mean someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction, but it can also refer to a spectrum of identities where someone experiences sexual attraction, but in very rare or narrow circumstances. Aromantic is the equivalent identity for romantic attraction. Someone who identifies as aromantic might not experience romantic attraction, or might only experience it under a narrow range of circumstances." Lena paused a moment and then said, "I'm a bi-romantic gray-asexual. Or just bi ace for short."

"And you think I might be aromantic?" Kara asked, catching on to where this was leading. A reporter's instinct, perhaps. Or just basic logic skills.

"I think it's a possibility, yes. I remember, when I was trying to figure out my labels, that there was an ace identity that was described as feeling attraction until it was reciprocated or something like that. And typically if there's an ace identity, there's an aro counterpart." Lena squeezed Kara's hand again. "You might do a little research and see if it fits you. But just know you aren't alone, Kara. And you're not broken."

"Aro and ace are short for aromantic and asexual, then?"

"That's right."

Kara bit her lower lip and wondered, not for the first time, if human sexualities even really applied to her. What if this was just a result of her being Kryptonian? Or the trauma of watching Krypton die as she was sent to safety?

"Thank you, Lena. Even if it doesn't wind up fitting, what you said helped a lot."

* * *

Later, dressed in her most comfortable, soft pajamas and having turned her bed into a blanket nest, Kara was ready to do the research Lena had recommended. Google first, which turned up wiki definitions and vague references to the aromantic spectrum.

But Kara did experience romantic attraction, didn't she? Puppy love, wanting so badly to spend more time with someone and getting jealous when they spent time with someone else and... that was a crush, right? It was totally a crush.

...probably...

She added 'spectrum' to her search query and tried again. And that was where she started getting better results.

AvenWiki had a short, not so helpful, list of aromantic identities. Including lithromantic, or akioromantic, that it defined as experiencing romantic attraction but not wanting it reciprocated. But then it went on to say that they might accept reciprocated romantic feelings anyway? More confusing than helpful in the least, but something about it rang a chord with Kara anyway.

She wrote the terms down and then moved on to the next site. A news site article this time, which also included akioromantic and a far clearer definition. There akioromantic was defined as someone who experienced romantic attraction but didn't want it reciprocated or experienced their romantic feelings fading upon reciprocation.

Akioromantic got underlined a few times.

Demi-romantic was discarded immediately. It was, arguably, the opposite of her feelings. Gray-romantic felt too nebulous and imprecise. Quoiromantic was defined as the inability to distinguish between platonic and romantic attraction, however, and that... felt oddly familiar too. So Kara wrote it down with a question mark next to it. Cupioromantic was written down too because Kara did want to have a romantic relationship with someone. Or at least, she thought she did. Reluctantly, she added a question mark to that one too.

Kara poked around for more terms and definitions, but akioromantic, quoiromantic, and cupioromantic were the three that resonated with her the most. She could kind of get the appeal of using gray-romantic now, if it meant not having to explain all three terms to every person she came out to.

And, oh gosh... she was going to have to come out again. And Alex was probably going to ask if it was Kryptonian thing again. Like when Kara had mentioned she wasn't really sure human genders applied to her even though she was fine identifying as a woman. Or when Kara decided she was pan because gender didn't factor into how she experienced attraction. But this time Kara honestly didn't know if it was a Kryptonian thing.

Kara had been part of the ruling class of Krypton and, at least among them, it was far more likely to marry for political reasons than for love. Love matches happened occasionally, but they were the exception and not the rule. But were love matches more common outside of the upper class? Honestly, Kara had no idea. She hadn't even realized Krypton had a class structure until she was reviewing the learning material her parents had loaded into her escape pod. Not that the lessons outright referred to the various classes as such, but that's exactly what it was.

The lessons on Kryptonian sexuality were more detailed and Kara had figured out her sexuality in Kryptonian terms long before she'd found an English equivalent that felt right.

Kara's parents had been in love. She remembered them acting in ways that were considered romantic on Earth, anyway. Kissing, cuddling, pet names... but their marriage had started as a political one. Matched together by the matrix's compatibility algorithms.

There was no such algorithm for her relationship with James, though. And she still had no idea what to tell him.

"I want a romantic relationship, but I think I'm on the aromantic spectrum?" Kara tested the words out loud and then shut her laptop and set it, and her notes, aside. It sounded awful and he was going to break up with her over this.

And the worst part was, Kara was considering not telling him at all and just... break up with him herself instead of waiting. Their relationship felt stifling these days; she didn't know how to work past that... she didn't know that she wanted to work past it.

Kara burrowed into her blankets and tried to get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow this would all make more sense.

* * *

In the morning, Kara felt better rested. Which was at least something, she supposed as she looked over her notes from the previous night.

On a fresh page she wrote in big, block letters 'Cupioromantic' and then did the same on the next page with 'Quoiromantic'.

Then she focused first on 'Cupioromantic'. Underneath she started listing things related to how she felt about romance.

\+ Like romantic books and movies  
\+ Want a romantic relationship of my own?  
\+ Don't like holding hands (sweaty palms - yuck)  
\+ Like giving/getting flowers and thoughtful gifts to SO  
\+ Kissing === awesome  
\+ Like having sex with a monogamous partner  
\+ Cuddling on the couch for movies or reading or talking or falling asleep  
\+ Don't like cuddling after sex; need to reign my senses back in and cuddling makes that harder  
\+ Romantic dinners?  
\+ Dates in general make me anxious because of all the expectations (relates back to the romantic dinners)  
\+ Don't like PDA in theaters Don't like being referred to as a person's girlfriend (could be a gender thing, actually) am okay with partner or SO or maybe other terms?  
\+ Does humanity even have terms for committed non-romantic relationships (more research needed) and if so would I be more okay with those types or relationships than romance?  
\+ Don't want to be alone  
\+ Dating never makes me happy

She swallowed hard after writing down the last two points. They were hard to write but... somehow also freeing.

Enough bullet points on that list for now. Next word to interrogate her feelings over was 'Quoiromantic'.

\+ ... —

Kara frowned and realized she didn't know what to write here. What did platonic attraction even feel like? Was she even confusing platonic attraction for romantic or was it sexual attraction that made her all confused.

Feeling a little terrible about it, she considered her platonic feelings for Winn.

She'd been very eager to be his friend in the first place, now that she thought about it. Maybe not quite in the same way she'd felt about James, but... the idea of not being Winn's friend made her want to curl up in a little ball of pain. And theirs was a settled, comfortable relationship now. She trusted Winn more than any other friend she'd ever had. She trusted and loved Winn similarly to how she trusted and loved Alex and... and maybe even Clark. That was why she'd chosen to trust him with the truth about her being an alien.

But she'd never thought her feelings for Winn were a crush. For her, they'd clicked instantly as best friends in a way she never had with anyone else. Except... maybe Lena. She was still figuring Lena out.

So what were her feelings for James like then? For one thing... much as Kara cared about James, she wasn't sure she'd have chosen to tell him about her Kryptonian heritage or alter ego as Supergirl if he hadn't already known everything about Clark. And she didn't love him.

Kara loved Winn. He was her best friend and he knew that when she said she loved him, she meant it platonically. It was easy for her to say, though she generally didn't. Humans weren't as free about platonic declarations of affection as Kara remembered her parents being with their friends on Krypton.

Had she loved James, though? Before her feelings had undergone the emotional equivalent of being smothered by a wet blanket, had her feelings been romantic or something else?

\+ —- ...

She just didn't know. Her pen left dots and lines on the page instead of words. Rather than waste the page with doodles, Kara shut her notebook. She had work tomorrow and had put off her chores around the apartment yesterday. Time to sweep and dust and scrub. And to not think about her feelings for a little while.

* * *

James asked Kara out for dinner when she arrived at work and it should have left Kara jubilant, still riding the high of a new relationship. Instead, she felt trapped.

Like holding hands but worse. (At least there were no gross sweaty palms involved.)

"James, I..." she started to say, but then their moment of privacy was cut off by the arrival of Eve, Kara's replacement assistant to Miss Grant now that Kara was working as an actual reporter under Carr's division.

"I'll see you tonight at seven," James said, kissing her cheek and walking off before she could respond.

Another thing to add to her list under 'cupioromantic'. She liked kissing on the mouth or kissing everywhere during sex, but little kisses on the cheek like that just made her feel awkward and uncomfortable. Though at least some of that awkward, uncomfortable feeling stemmed from James just assuming Kara was okay with the date plans he'd made.

Yes, they were currently dating and he had no way to know she was planning on breaking up with him, but... hadn't he heard her tone just now? She couldn't have possibly sounded happy to his ears?

Kara spent the rest of the day distracted and fretful, not a good state to be in Snapper Carr's office. So she was glad to flee the office in the afternoon to go research a story she was working on regarding the official process for extra-terrestrial immigrants to become citizens of the United States. A process she herself had circumvented. Or rather, her adopted parents had circumvented it for her. Kara wasn't quite sure what they'd said, but she did remember talking to a woman from child protective services about her 'isolationist' parents who 'weren't interested in the government' and then suddenly Kara had a birth certificate and social security card that were all legal and government issued.

At seven o'clock, Kara was laying upside down on her couch, legs hooked over the back, fretting over what was going to happen when James showed up.

She opened the door when he knocked and James instantly started trying to chivy her into getting ready for their date. Kara didn't even have her shoes on yet and where'd she put her purse?

"James," she said, and then repeated his name in the same flat tone when he talked over her. "We need to talk." He went quiet now, staring at her oddly.

"Alright," he replied after a long moment of silence.

Kara was pretty sure he knew what was coming next.

* * *

In the end, Kara didn't tell him that she had a growing certainty that she was aromantic. She didn't want to complicate things, didn't want to risk him knowing enough about aromanticism to say that some aros dated so why couldn't she keep dating him? Some aros dated, yes. And Kara still thought she wanted a romantic relationship too. (Maybe. Probably.) Just not with James.

Kara calls Alex and tells her to bring ice cream. Somehow she's not surprised that Alex knew she was going to break up with James. Sometimes it seemed like Alex knew before Kara did when her relationships wouldn't work out.

"I think I'm aromantic," Kara blurts out when her door shuts and Alex hands her a pint of Rocky Road.

"Okay? I have no idea what that means." But Alex listens as Kara explains. She doesn't ask if its a Kryptonian thing - thank Rao - and she nods after hearing what akioromantic in particular meant. "That really does sound a lot like you. Thank you, Kara. For telling me."

* * *

In the morning Kara flips to the next blank page in her notebook and writes "Non-Romantic Committed Relationships" and adds 'not friendship, not romance?' as the first bullet point before she leaves for work.

She'll research that next. Maybe what she's really looking for in a relationship can be found down this road. Maybe not.

But at least it's a place to start.


End file.
